Tag Archives: toilet paper

Unaccompanied poop arriving via Mexican cilantro

thOriginally posted at American Thinker

No one cares, but right around July 4, Barack Obama informed the world that he’s a fan of classic guacamole.  Now, less than a month later, I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but much to the horror of salsa and guacamole aficionados everywhere, the FDA has banned the import of some fresh cilantro shipments from Mexico after evidence indicated that the crop was tainted with human feces.

I repeat: tainted with human feces.  Now, if that doesn’t put a damper on your hankering for cilantro jalapeño pesto, I don’t know what will.

Everyone knows what feces is, but for those who don’t know what cilantro is, it’s a popular herb that’s a key ingredient in Mexican food.

Unfortunately for cilantro-loving illegals in America or “co-exist” types anxious to embrace the full palate of cultural diversity, Puebla farm workers with less than first-world bathroom habits have been fertilizing the coriander crop with their own version of Miracle Grow.

In addition to the feces, used toilet paper was also found among the harvested green herb.  So, with a handy roll of 100% recycled tissue tucked neatly away in the backpack, when the urge hit, hardworking Mexican laborers regularly deposited gifts that hopefully migrated from Puebla all the way up to President Obama’s classic guacamole dip.

The sob story is that some of the farms have no toilet facilities for the workers, which could explain why 60% of all illegal immigrants are from Mexico.  They’ve come north in search of a job with a bathroom.

If you happen to be cilantro with feces on it, right now you’re indefinitely banned from entry into the U.S.  However, if you’re a farm worker in search of an accessible toilet, the border is open to you, your backpack, and that traveling roll of farm-ready toilet paper.

Poop cilantro is no-no; cilantro-poopers are sí-sí.

The problem for Americans is that if a pooping cilantro farm worker decides to head north to the land of porcelain commodes, there’s a good chance that third-world bathroom habits will migrate, too.

It’s probably considered insensitive to say this, but once a former cilantro farm worker is residing illegally in the U.S., he is free to spread around what would have otherwise been left in the herb patch in Puebla.  In other words, there’s a good chance that the added ingredient that disqualifies Mexican cilantro from American consumption will likely show up on things like shopping cart handles, gym equipment, doorknobs, and the king of poop-to-mouth bacteria transfer: grocery store produce.

Now some people are saying that fecal matter may also be responsible for other recent outbreaks of food poisoning in the U.S.  For example, in 2013 and 2014, several occurrences of a stomach illness attributed to the cyclospora parasite, which was virtually unknown before 1990, were linked to Puebla farms, where having a poo in the great outdoors appears to be customary.

According to Seattle-based food safety lawyer Bill Marler, “cyclospora is called an emerging pathogen… [and is] a relatively new bug making people sick in the U.S.”  Marler says that the uptick recently in cyclospora occurrences is somewhat concerning, but that “given the numbers of outbreaks that have occurred … banning the product is probably a bit past due.”

Speaking of the pesky imported protozoa, who would have thought the exact same single-cell organism found in the salsa would mysteriously show up in America’s public pools?  Apparently, a number of enthusiastic swimmers have swallowed poo-tainted pool water and come down with waterborne Cryptosporidium cramping, nausea, and diarrhea.

We know that if we asked guacamole fan Obama, he’d insist that unaccompanied minors and other illegal immigrants who swam across the Rio Grande are not responsible for the chlorine-resistant waterborne bacteria currently making their home in our public pools.

Yeah, but the last time I checked, Mexican cilantro didn’t grow in American swimming pools.  So how, pray tell, did Pedro’s poop migrate to the deep end?

Well, taking into consideration the fact that millions of illegal outdoor poopers have overrun every area of our lives, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that cyclospora invades pools the same way it contaminates Mexican cilantro.

The Trenton Toilet Paper Shortage

Originally posted at American Thinker blog

Presently, there is a crisis afoot in New Jersey that is symbolic of government incompetence and indicative of the fate that awaits every American if ObamaCare is implemented. In Trenton, the Health Department may be forced to shut down city buildings due to a toilet paper shortage.  That’s right: Trenton is so fiscally squeezed that in city restrooms Charmin® is nowhere to be found.

Seems in the city of Trenton the toilet paper and paper towel inventory is depleted in about a dozen buildings, including City Hall. According to Harold Hall, Acting Public Works Director, there are presently only 15 rolls of toilet paper available; after that, lavatory visitors are, shall we say, left to their own devices.

Public Works Director Harold Hall, conveying a potential healthcare reform/bureaucratic logjam warning that should be heeded, said that a “City Council resolution to order more paper supplies, including paper cups, was voted down. According to Harold, some council members didn’t think the cash-strapped city needed to buy the cups.” That mentality is kind of like Obama saying, ‘Give Granny a cheap pain pill and forget the expensive pacemaker.’

Right now in Trenton, it’s just toilet paper. What happens when a federally appointed healthcare panel spends precious time discussing whether a “cash-strapped” country can still afford chemotherapy, or long-term dialysis?  It’s inconvenient when you can’t get any toilet paper, but it can be fatal when you run out of health care.

Northward Councilwoman Marge Caldwell-Wilson of Hamilton Township explained the process this way: “Once you bid and give in a contract, you can’t remove something from a bid.” In which case, to deal with the paper cups the city would have to pull back the original bid, cancel it, and then re-bid for just the toilet paper. In other words, if one is left sitting paperless on a city-owned commode, paper cups may be to blame.

Talking toilet paper, Mayor Tony Mack put it all into perspective when he said, “I think some council members are full of blank.”

The moral of the story is this:  If the government cannot supply toilet paper on the local level, how is the federal government going to adequately provide for the extraordinarily intricate healthcare needs of 300 million people?

Single Square Now, Single Payer Later

If you live in Brooklyn and it’s a hot summer day, do yourself a favor and don’t bother going to Coney Island for a dip in the ocean or a stroll on the boardwalk, because if you’re a well-hydrated woman you could run into a pesky problem inside the ladies’ restroom.

The state of New York has such a budget shortfall that park administrators at Coney Island have decided to cut corners by leaving toilet paper dispensers empty.  Park attendants are herding people with full bladders onto “ration lines” where one sheet of single-ply, Sheryl Crow-friendly toilet paper is meted out to women dying to get into a stall.  Men don’t even get a solitary square.

Word to the wise – toting along adult-sized baby wipes is especially important if Coney Island patrons plan to drink large quantities of cold soft drinks on warm summer nights while riding the Cyclone.  Park-goers are left with two choices: bring an extra fanny-pack full of Charmin® for a stroll on the boardwalk, or wear a bathing suit and plan to intermittently break for a quick dip in the salty foam, saying “I’ll be right back, I need to cool off.”

One woman, shocked that toilet paper was being rationed, said “Never in my life have I experienced anything like this. I walked toward a stall, and a bathroom attendant stopped me by shouting, ‘Hey, mami! There’s no toilet paper here,’ and she whipped out a big roll for me to grab some.”

A New York City Parks and Recreation spokesperson insists that toilet paper is stocked daily: “There’s no need to ration, and we’ll make certain our staff does not do so” – another tepid denial coming from another bureaucratic apologist.

Despite the budgetary crisis, the bathroom attendants still on the payroll maintain that the taxpayer-funded Parks Department isn’t adequately stocking the Coney Island public boardwalk with enough toilet paper, thus the bathroom attendant-controlled single-ply quotas.

New Yorkers pay some of the highest taxes in the nation. Their reward for doing so is having government spend more while they’re hung out to dry, having to BYOTP to the beach, boardwalk, and amusement park. Not only are New Yorkers being deprived of basic hygienic provisions, but now when patrons really have to use extra care washing up after using the facilities, the hot water is also turned off.

Even so, there is a larger issue which all Americans had best take heed of that has nothing to do with toilet paper and everything to do with the government’s inability to manage even a single stall in a public bathroom.  Although still a few years off, a similar scenario is likely with government managing America’s health care.

Both state and federal governments cost too much and provide little. Vulnerable Americans needing to use the bathroom at the mercy of an attendant dictating to them what they can and cannot have for the most basic of human needs is a foreshadowing of what lies ahead if a single-payer system is implemented. Americans are destined, in a time of crisis, to find themselves paying a very high price for single-ply/single-sheet health care, doled out by a government employee who’ll be told to leave the dispenser empty and watch over how much everybody gets.

Like the shocked woman in the Coney Island lavatory who marveled, “Never in my life have I experienced anything like this,” just wait until nervous mothers across America whose children have ear infections are told by their neighborhood drugstore that the weekly allotment of penicillin is gone and the next shipment doesn’t arrive for 48 hours.

Similar to walking into a restroom for the first time to find toilet paper being rationed, there will also be a first time when Americans, accustomed to easy access and high quality, will “walk toward a doctor’s office or emergency room” like a beachgoer rushing toward a restroom, only to have a bureaucrat inform them: “‘Hey, mami!’ There’s no room at this hospital.” And then traumatized Americans will be placed on ration lines where government workers will dole out certain healthcare procedures like sheets of cheap bathroom tissue.

In the words of a Coney Island tourist from Denmark named Benedikte Friis, after being handed a whisper-thin sheet of toilet tissue the consistency of crepe paper: “It’s very weird that someone decides how much paper you get because they don’t know what situation you’re in. You might need more!”

Precisely! And who better than Benedikte would know that you get what they give you, and ‘they’ could care less ‘what situation you’re in’ or if ‘you might need more,’ a situation similar to how it is in highly-taxed, government-munificent Denmark. Only here it will be worse, because Americans live in a country with 295 million more people than Denmark, run by a government far too similar to the one that runs the toilet paper-deprived park in Coney Island.

With bureaucrats on a par with bathroom attendants set to manage the nation’s health system, Americans are destined to endure a future full of such poor-quality medical care that even tourists from socialist Scandinavia will be shaking their heads and thinking that what’s going on here is more than a little “weird.”

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