Tag Archives: Drink Up!

Mrs. Obama Addresses ‘Fatty Ass-ids’ and ‘WAT-AHH’

michelle-obamaOriginally posted at American Thinker blog

Fresh off the slopes of Aspen and obviously unaware that her husband had just recently dissed students seeking a degree in art history and spoken in a drought-stricken area of the country, Michelle Obama headed east to New York City to attend an exhibition at Manhattan’s New Museum, which hosted an art show featuring street art that promotes drinking water.

The first lady spent the afternoon greeting fawning middle school kids who were there for the exhibit, which was produced by the ‘drink water’ foundation WAT-AHH titled “Taking Back the Streets.”

The foundation WAT-AHH and 14 artists collaborated in the effort. The art and murals in the show glorified what humans used to do all the time without coercion. The goal of the art show is to lessen the unhealthy messages kids are often barraged with and get them to drink water. Whether or not the H2O drinkers were instructed to check the New York City Department of Health Boil Water advisories is not known.

Nonetheless, Mrs. Obama said to the 8th graders, “This is so exciting and you are all so cool. You guys are gonna make a huge, huge impact on the health of our nation.” Not to mention contributing to the success of the Big Apple’s Posh Stow and Go “clean, safe and soundproof” bathrooms that charge $8 a pop.

After the watery museum outing and before making the trip complete by appearing on The Tonight Show with BFF Jimmy Fallon, Mrs. Obama scooted over to a DNC fundraiser at the home of Obama bundler and company reinvigorator Maneesh Goyal.

Jimmy Fallon is a huge Obama supporter, and more importantly a preferred dance partner of Mrs. Obama. Fallon took over just last week for Jay Leno, the old guy from California who often made Barack Obama the butt of jokes when no one else dared, and what do you know — Michelle shows up this week.

Oddly, it seems every time Mrs. Obama appears on a show that Jimmy Fallon hosts he feels compelled to greet her in drag. Now, either Jimmy knows Michelle Obama feels more comfortable around women, or he just prefers dressing like Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

On Fallon’s fourth night as host, for the first lady’s appearance the show included a valley-girl-type talk show segment featuring Jimmy and Will Ferrell (aka Anchorman Ron Burgundy). Ferrell showed up in pigtails as Stacy, and Michelle Obama showed up as herself.

The talk show was entitled “ew!” with a little “e.” The first lady was the special guest of the strangely-accented Fallon and co-host Will “Stacy” Ferrell in a basement rec room. Fallon introduced “herself,” saying, “I’m Sara, and if you’re wondering, that’s S-A-R-A, with no H because Hs are ew!

In his best valley-girl accent, ‘Sara’ asked Shelley, “Have you been watching the Olympics?” “What’s your favorite event?” Ferrell/Stacy asked.

“One of my favorites is figure skating,” Michelle replied. “Me too!” Fallon squawked. Then the threesome engaged in a “triple hand hug,” with Fallon on one side, Mrs. Obama on the other, and goofy Ferrell squeezed in the middle.

Shelley also told Stacy and Sara that kale chips are high in Omega-3 fatty ass-ids… sorry, fatty acids.

Later on in the show, Mrs. Obama made a grand congratulatory entrance in an elegant black sleeveless dress. The host and the first lady then discussed the Olympics, the unaffordable Affordable Care Act, and her children, Sasha and Malia.

Americans across the nation are suffering from cancelled health insurance, joblessness, and overall discouragement and malaise. Questions concerning the IRS, Benghazi, and the NSA go unanswered while Michelle talks about pressing issues like 16-year-old Malia not understanding why the daughter of the President of the United States can’t get her driver’s license and flit around Washington DC in “The Beast.”

So there you have it — another day in the exhilarating, whirlwind life of first lady Michelle Obama. Thankfully, gone are the hum-drum days of Laura Bush who, rather than focusing on dire emergencies like increasing people’s water consumption, picked mind-numbing things to do like advocate for literacy.

In comparison to Mrs. Obama, Mrs. Bush was such a downer. That dowdy Mrs. Bush was so depressing, what with her focus on advancing opportunities for young people and promoting human rights internationally. And, talk about “ew,” why did Laura Bush insist on bringing up the “brutal oppression of women” in Afghanistan or the “cowardly and shameful act” of scarring school girls with acid?

It’s so much more fun having a cool first lady who looks great in sleeveless dresses, hangs out with movie stars and rock stars, can do the Dougie like nobody’s business, and, whenever she does a comedy skit on one show or another, reads cue cards like a pro right along with late night comics who love to do drag.

Michelle Obama, Hyponatremia, Adult Diapers, and Other Hydration-Related Issues

Originally posted at American Thinker

For America’s aging population, even the mention of water makes a large number of Baby Boomers sprint toward the nearest restroom.  Now to compound the problem, we have first lady Michelle Obama hawking increased water consumption.

Despite the bottled water industry raking in $11.1 billion dollars in 2011 alone and the fact that Americans are already drinking roughly 30 gallons of bottled water per year, Michelle (code name H2O) is quenching her thirst while earning her keep, reminding over-hydrated Americans to hydrate.

And to add credibility to the scheme, star of stage and screen/part-time policy wonk Eva Longoria (who, in case you haven’t heard, makes a mean guacamole) is taking time off from “brainstorming” with the president on border security issues to stand shoulder-to-belly button with Mrs. Obama to promote the project.

It used to be when a person felt hungry, they ate, and when their God-given internal water gauge indicated they were running low, they drank.  That’s the old way.  Now we have Michelle Obama spending her time “nudging” us away from the soda aisle toward the water fountain.

Dr. Timothy Noakes, professor of exercise and sports science at the University of Cape Town in South Africa and author of Waterlogged, rightly pointed out:

You don’t tell your dog or your cat when to drink; they’ve got a thirst mechanism. Why should it be that humans should be the unique animal in the world who [has] to be told when to drink?

Great question, Dr. Noakes, maybe you should ask the first lady.

Regardless of her answer, it’s clear the good doctor doesn’t understand that even when it comes to fundamental things like hunger and thirst, lesser-minded Americans are no longer allowed to trust anything other than the government.

So here’s a new rule! Whether you’re tired or not, when Michelle Obama says “Let’s Move!” you better be moving, and when she says “No sweets!” it’s no sweets or else.  And now, when she says “Drink Up!” America had better be chugging chlorine-infused tap water, or there may be efforts forthcoming from the higher-ups to establish neighborhood-based waterboarding stations.

The “Drink Up” water campaign, bless its heart, is new, so while it’s off to a rousing start, there are quite a few hurdles to surmount.

For instance, “Let’s Move!” Central has not issued specific instructions to the water drinkers in St. Bernard Parish, Louisiana, where the brain-eating amoeba Naegleria fowleri was recently found in the tap water.  Although there is an experimental German drug called miltefosine to which the CDC expanded access to this summer, it’s doubtful the life-saving drug will be covered under Obamacare.

For safety sake, let’s hope the residents of St. Bernard Parish aren’t rinsing their Michelle Obama-mandated organic kale in tap water, Neti-potting their clogged sinuses, or, after sweating along to a Beyoncé “Move Your Body” video, glugging gallons of tap water to cool down.

Then there’s another problem that may arise:  drinking an overabundance of water can be deadly!

Although bastion of moderation Michelle Obama consistently makes healthy lifestyle choices for herself (ahem), low-information lemmings can become presidential people-pleasers and might overdo it.

Moreover, while the first lady still recommends less sodium in our diets, drowning ourselves on a cellular level could lead to a condition called hyponatremia. Hyponatremia is an electrolyte imbalance that causes sodium levels in the body to become dangerously diluted, resulting in symptoms like queasiness, vomiting, headache, and confusion, and can even escalate to convulsions, coma, and death.

An epidemic of sodium depletion, along with the threat of Louisiana brain-eating amoeba, could definitely place undue stress on our fledgling healthcare system. Not to mention water addiction, which manifests as a mental disorder called polydipsia, sufferers of which have been known to compete with the family dog for toilet water.

Subsequently, as part of the first lady’s Watering of America campaign, it’s clear (no pun intended) that in addition to the government monitoring our kidneys, bladders, urine color, and measuring output, squads of hydration specialists may have to be dispatched to prevent nationwide water intoxication.

And let’s not forget vigilant environmentalists who argue that “the production of plastic bottles requires millions of barrels of oil per year,” (ut oh!) as well as the “transportation of bottled water from its source to stores [which allegedly] releases thousands of tons of carbon dioxide.”

Finally, there’s pragmatic issues like inadequate bathroom facilities, the financial strain of high-priced adult diapers, overflowing public pools, and people getting mixed up about where to direct the garden hose.

So as you can see, although good intentions are the motivation behind “Drink Up,” thanks to the wide spectrum of human behavior mucking up the works, drinking more water is not without its problems.

With that in mind, adequately hydrating America is likely to become a complex endeavor and may necessitate direct intervention from yet another team of committed government officials whose task will be to monitor whether or not Americans are following government-regulated water drinking guidelines.

Either way, it’s hard to deny that the first lady’s innovative initiatives are turning out to be very exciting!  That’s why, after “Drink Up” and “Let’s Move!” maybe Sheryl Crow will volunteer to help launch a national “Always Wipe!” movement, which will be personally overseen by – who else? – Michelle Obama.

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