After 10 years, all of which were likely grueling for the lead singer of Coldplay, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are splitting up. The fact that they are splitting proves that Gwyneth may be an authority on vintage Michael Kors and Parisian concierge service, but apparently she knows zilch, zero, nada about how to keep a marriage together.
Now, in an effort to seem deeply spiritual and New Age-y, Gwyneth and Chris have taken to the Goop.com website to announce their amicable split, calling it a “Conscious Uncoupling.”
“Conscious Uncoupling?” Versus what, an “Unconscious Coupling?” The latter sounds more like a drunk couple’s wedding night than an explanation for an obnoxious, spoiled rich kid’s divorce announcement.
God help us all! For the last 15 years or so, we’ve all been subjected to every one of little Gwynny’s trials, tribulations, fads, and endeavors to reduce boredom. She’s like a seven-year-old girl who inflicts herself on her parents’ dinner guests by subjecting them to a half-hour of out-of-tune songs and tap dancing in a tutu. The problem is that the soon-to-be ex-Mrs. Martin is now a grown woman with two children.
In addition, Paltrow’s father Bruce is deceased, and if you listen real closely, lately mom Blythe Danner is the only one clapping.
Gwyneth the Goop Girl has tortured America by affecting an occasional fake British lilt. Harvey Weinstein drooled all over her, calling Paltrow his Shakespeare in Love muse. After that she ventured into country singing, traveled to Spain on a cooking tour with Mario Batali, married a rock star, laid on a baby grand piano singing “Forget You” with CeeLo Green, sang “Happy” on Glee, doled out mothering and child-nutrition tips, wrote cookbooks, became best friends and then not best friends with Madonna, Beyoncé, and Cameron Diaz, and just recently bragged that at 41 she has the butt of a 22-year-old stripper!
Seriously Gwyneth, like, who gives a rat’s patootie?
Someone should inform Gwyn that no one really cares what she is thinking or doing. If there was a picture in the dictionary for “legend in one’s own mind,” it would be Gwyneth Paltrow’s.
On her relationship with the father of children Apple and Moses, both of whom victims of the ‘uncoupling’ of their father and mostly their self-consumed mother, in 2011 Gwyneth told Elle magazine:
Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad. You can never be relaxed or smug and think, ‘I’ve got this thing.’ That’s also part of it: keeping yourself on your toes. I’m not going to take this for granted.
So, “[i]t’s hard being with someone for a long time… life is long and you never know what’s going to happen?” Okey-dokey.
Anyway, the reason that Chris ‘He Likes Privacy’ Martin and Gwyneth ‘My Favorite Sex Position’ Paltrow are splitting is anyone’s guess.
There’s that Vanity Fair brouhaha and rumors that Paltrow has taken a lover or two, or maybe it’s not even that complicated. Gwyneth could have merely gotten bored to tears with Chris, and just as she’s moved on from writing cookbooks like “It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look and Feel Great,” now she’s into ‘It’s Not All That Good: Conscious Uncouplings That Will Make You Feel Horrible.’