Dead Fish on Capitol Hill

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It’s official! The water in Washington DC is toxic, and we have 535 members in the 113th Congress and a disaster of a president… oops, sorry… 1,000 dead fish in the National Mall pond to prove it.

The site of the dead fish is Constitution Gardens, which is located in West Potomac Park near Constitution Avenue and 17th Street NW.

In addition to the fetid pond filled with decomposing fish corpses, that’s also the area in the park that features a memorial to the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence, all of whom, although not floating in the pond, risk triggering an earthquake because they’re likely rolling over in their graves.

According to the National Park Service, 1,000 putrefying fish were found in Constitution Gardens Pond. In response, rather than address the noxious stench and the ongoing contamination of the document for which the pond is named, the National Park Service chooses to blame construction in the area for the slimy, bloated carcasses stinking up Capitol Hill.

Although 1,000 dead fish seems like a lot, park officials say that the number is not unusual for that particular pond. Therefore, rather than concoct a phony dead fish scandal, the Park Service maintains that it has “long stressed the importance of redesigning the pond to maintain a better ecological balance.” In other words, ‘never let a good crisis go to waste,’ thank the Lord for foul-smelling deceased fish showing up on the National Mall, and let’s use their untimely deaths as an excuse to further the green agenda.

According to the Park Service, the pond is at the top of the list for construction upgrades. Not for nothing, but the pond isn’t the only thing in need of a major upgrade.

Moreover, it’s not “ecological balance” Washington DC needs. What’s overdue is cleansing the warm-and-fuzzy bipartisan environment in 2014 by loading up the political pond with fiercely partisan conservative piranhas.

Biblically speaking, throughout history God has voiced His opinion through many different kinds of animals. Once, He even used a talking ass to send a message, which, with Barack Obama in the White House, might have been much more appropriate than dead fish.

Nonetheless, lately America has witnessed some strange phenomena in Washington DC: flies landing on the President’s face; vermin scampering around the Rose Garden; and a biblical-level invasion of stink bugs. And while DC pest control officials once attempted to relocate rats, it looks like it’s too late to relocate the fish. So how about we bury the dead ones, drain the political fishpond, and repopulate the joint with fish those 56 signers would be proud of?

Polite comments encouraged.