The Rise of the Eco-Friendly Armpit

One of my favorite ways to irk liberals is to use plastic bags in the grocery store.  When the cashier asks “Paper or plastic?” I make it a point to always choose “Plastic.” In fact, I say it loud enough to shock shoppers packing groceries in cloth, tote-along shopping bags.

Another activity that also gives me a perverted sense of gratification is, when asked where my recycling bin is hidden, always replying, “I don’t recycle.  I’m on a personal mission to pollute the planet.” Without exception, that comment is always met with horrified gasps.

I do it on purpose, because self-righteous planet savers who use cloth diapers, use glass and never plastic, stack piles of wet newspapers on the curb, and look for shampoo bottles with green caps just bother me. I don’t like being pushed around and told what to do, especially by lefties who volunteer at abortion clinics ushering unwilling mothers past pro-life demonstrators while wearing recycled shoes with cork soles.

My response? Dig in and resist – even react – to make a point.  I’m proud to throw batteries into public trash bins, and do so in full sight of people with Coexist stickers on the back bumpers of their environmentally friendly Mini Coopers.

Now another dilemma has arisen.  It appears that there is an emerging movement afoot where concerned greenies are attempting to save the planet by sacrificing personal hygiene.  Smelly-armpit advocates are the same environmentally sensitive individuals that frown upon using toilet paper and proudly admit to infrequent flushing.

These tree huggers are so “brainwashed” they’ve decided to forgo body-washing.  Fetid environmental guardians are trading shampoo for baby powder, deodorant for witch hazel and soap for lemon verbena-scented soapwort boiled in caldrons to use as an “invigorating shampoo” while taking a once-a-month 12.5 gallon limited 5-minute shower.

In addition to soapwort shampoo, for planet-unfriendly people who insist on brushing their teeth, Freeconomy Community founder Mark Boyle suggests “ground up cuttlefish bone” mixed with foraged “fennel seed,” crushed together in a mortar and pestle for a “toothpaste that keeps your teeth clean, your breath fresh and your planet unpolluted.”

In fact, a New York Times article entitled “The Great Unwashed” recently reported on an environmentally friendly but crowded-elevator-repulsive trend now on the rise with the eco-conscious in the U.S., coined in the UK as “soap-dodging”

Among those who have cut down on daily showers, baths or hair-washing [is] a woman who swipes a sliced lemon under her armpits instead of deodorant, another who uses baby wipes to freshen up after her lunchtime runs, and a salesman who shampoos only once a month and gave up antiperspirant for three years.

So rinsing out liter bottles of artificially sweetened, Sucralose-infused diet soda and placing them in sticky, foul smelling recycling bins is not enough for these people. Apparently, environmentalists who dictate the type of light bulbs that are acceptable will not be satisfied until they successfully marshal the hygienically disposed toward greasy hair and foul underarms.

The “It’s my body and I’ll do what I want with it” crowd is gearing up to dictate the level of cleanliness the rest of us are allowed to have, whether comfortable or uncomfortable and regardless of the impact excessive body odor portends for those seeking to participate in an intimate relationship.

No longer will cruelty free lipstick and biodegradable coffee cups filled with Fair Trade coffee satisfy these people.  Instead, unwilling individuals are in danger of being forced to endure movie theatres that smell like petting zoos.

The stinkier a person is, the more they will be viewed and respected as environmentally aware and concerned.  Body stench will become an act of indulgence for those who skip traditional religion but worship at the altar of a not-so-fresh-smelling First Church of Mother Earth.

So in the time honored tradition of throwing tin foil into the garbage can, I look forward to irritating the pungent planet police by being the only one on the grocery line at Whole Foods with shiny hair, deodorized arm pits and sweet smelling skin. In addition to toting my foodstuffs in take-along plastic bags, I look forward to polluting the planet and making a personal statement by rejecting the environmentalist edict to endure with pride my own perspiration.

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2 responses

  1. HIL-ARIOUS!!!! (but, sadly, also frightening!)
    Help me out here — If they use baby powder instead of shampoo….Doesn’t the powder come in a plastic container as well? And, wouldn’t the disposable baby wipes and the packaging they come in be just as bad for the environment as the deodorant bottle?? (please excuse me- I don’t have a mental disorder….so, I am just trying to understand those that do.) What about the precious lemons being wasted?
    How about this– Let’s just have big stores where the shampoo and such is in these enormous vats, and you take your empty bottles in and refill them? You know- sort of like the bulk candy bins or the water jug refill station at most grocery stores. Naaaa…you’re right – that’s silly. Let’s just all not be clean.
    Soooooo….hospitals have to be sterile environments, but the patients can be filthy and carry all sorts of germs around the place?
    Will these filthy hippies be working in any restaurants? I mean, the health dept. has standards for the kitchen cleanliness and the food storage — How about the cooks and servers??
    Ick. Now I’m starting to feel queasy.

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