Magnum Gold Moochers

The new trend in public response to Government Issue appears to be grievance-induced upgrades.  For years the government distributed processed food to people in need of assistance.  If welfare recipients had been a tiny bit savvier unappetizing cheese could have been replaced with a more expensive choice.

Presently, however, the complaints are not about cheddar versus Swiss, but quality, size and brand of free condoms.

The complaint from Washington DC school kids is that the prophylactics, handed out during homeroom, are of substandard “quality and are too small.” Grateful to not have to drive to the drugstore and spend cigarette money on condoms, college and high school students have asked for larger sizes to accommodate lads raised on hormone-injected chicken.

Another complaint registered was that asking the school nurse for free birth control is ‘just like asking grandma or auntie.” Ninth graders, preferring to not be subjected to Nurse Ratchet’s disapproving grimace, requested the condoms be dispersed from a cooler, preferably male “Master of Condoms.”

What happens in DC if a fifteen year old finds it impossible to get to the Master of Condoms between 3rd period and study hall?  No need to worry, the government also distributes tax-subsidized birth control better known as “Free condoms …at more than 100 locations, including barbershops, liquor stores and youth centers.”

In addition to size and distribution complaints many of the 57% of the sexually active Washington DC teens have not availed themselves to school condoms mostly because of the brand offered.

The perception amongst school children is that government cheese condoms are cut-rate and certainly not as cool as Trojan brands. Students prefer trendy “shiny gold wrapped” Magnum Golds. The little, square gold package with “a little bit of the bling quality.”

Health officials have been “grappling over how to make government-issued condoms more appealing.” The Magnum Gold brand is popular and so the belief is substituting Durex with Magnum will succeed in making condom use more fashionable with children, which is the definitive goal.

City officials seem more than willing to “spend an extra few thousand dollars a year to try to persuade sexually active teenagers to practice safer sex.”  So, in addition to Magnums, “Durex condoms will still be offered.”

One knows high school children need to learn how to make better choices.  Take for instance should a kid join drama club or edit the school newspaper? How about the basketball team instead of the yearbook? What’s better, a thinner sheath or Magnum Gold?

David A. Catania, D.C. Council member and chairman of the health committee said, “We thought making condoms available was a good thing, but we never asked the kids what they wanted.”

Washington DC should set up a buffet table, outside lunch rooms, where discriminating condom connoisseurs can be provided an array of the best rubbers available, compliments of the American taxpayer.  Afterwards, in place of gold grillz or 14-karat diamond necklaces, bling can decorate Washington DC in the form of torn, discarded gold condom packages.

Truth is the condom controversy is more a Blackberry Curve versus IPhone issue because Consumer Reports magazine claims “Trojans, which is the preferred brand and Durex…both scored 100 percent in tests of strength, reliability and leakage and package integrity.”

Either way, regardless of condom quality, high school students needn’t worry. If pregnancy results from leaky, broken, or absent government issued prophylactics, “Wrap MC” Condom Master will likely escort girls to the local women’s health center for a government subsidized abortion at the coolest, most stylish clinic in town.