First it was the Abdullah Asieri the ass-assin who had American security experts “pooping in their pants” because the suicide butt bomber stuffed a pound of explosives and a handy detonator in his rectum. Now Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the ‘Banana Hammock Bomber,’ carefully sewed explosive powder into his underwear and by doing so has brought security awareness to a whole new level. As a result, innovative terrorist tactics need to be designated worldwide to accommodate the Butt-Balls Bomber Brigade.
Just sitting around with a pound of explosives up your ‘Ass-ieri’ is an impressive feat regardless of the motivation. But blowing up your manhood by detonating a bomb in such close proximity to the family jewels is down right extraordinary. Apparently, radical extremist Umar Farouk was firmly committed to making jihad, so much so, Abdulmutallab willingly subjected his rocks to being rocked, while ‘striving in the way of Allah’.”
Interviewed immediately after being arrested, Umar said that holy warriors in Yemen believe putting ballocks on the line in a militant war is the ultimate testes for any serious terrorist. Umar warned America that legions of scrotal sacrificing soldiers are on the way “…carrying bombs to hit the enemies of God,” tucked behind, inside, and underneath various and sundry body parts.
After being detained Umar kept saying what many thought was “Ohmah Akbags,” but closer attention to what was being said revealed the bomber muttering “Allah Akbar.”
In addition, the young Nigerian kept insisting “Americans are ‘nuts’.” The youthful terrorist told authorities that al-Qaida is determined to teach America what having real cojones really means. Even if a martyr’s 72-virgin-welcome into paradise has one arriving sans scrotum.
Carrying nothing more than his ‘bags’ on-board Umar spent a long time locked in the bathroom readjusting his basket. Upon returning to his seat, as lunch was being served, Umar Farouk decided to give new meaning to the word “fire of my loins” by detonating and igniting his gonads, under a blanket, to the surprise of 278-passengers aboard the airline.
Disregarding private parts etiquette Dutch video producer Jasper Schuringa scrambled over rows of seats to subdue Abdulmutallab as he tried to detonate a phial of powder strapped to his testicles. Jasper sprung into action after hearing someone shouting: “Fire, fire.” Mr. Schuringa said, “I pulled the object from him and tried to extinguish the fire with my hands and threw it away.”
Talk about giving all for the cause! Subdued and overcome by Northwest flight 253 passengers Umar Farouk’s drawers were, “… slightly charred and singed…the bomb packet still in place.” The Nigerian banana flambé, though burnt to a crisp, was found miraculously to still be intact.
Banana Hammock Bomber UPDATE: According to the terrorist’s web rantings “The bomb wasn’t the only thing burning in his pants.” Sex torment drove him ‘nuts!’ Sharing his frustration Umar revealed his deepest feelings, “As I get lonely, the natural sexual drive awakens and I struggle to control it.” So Umar strapped explosives to his manhood to eradicate the horny problem? Maybe this wasn’t a terrorist attack at all but merely a young man trying to stay chaste by blowing off his issue.
Based on moving, touching statements like, “the hair of a woman can easily arouse a man,” maybe Obama (Obomba) can secure Umar a touchy-feely interview with personal friend and pseudo-sex-counselor Oprah. In an effort to extend the right hand of peace to ‘man caused disasterists‘ everywhere it is possible that in lieu of community service Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano could work a deal to have Umar Farouk pay youthful, desire-driven debts to society by spending a few months counseling with Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
Special thanks to Eric Daniel Brown for creatively coining the colorful term Banana Hammock Bomber.