Packing and cracking open a second package of Marlboro’s and in the spirit of bias, ambiguity and end of life counseling the President is stumping to gain support for his insurance reform initiative in Nursing Homes, geriatric wards and Senior Centers across America. Traveling with him is a cheer-leading squad of 18 year old Obama girls who perform the buoyant, catchy tune “I…Rely on you to die.”
Obama has come up with some interesting possibilities to insure America remains young and vibrant. His intent is to incite participation for the elderly to jump on-board his cattle car of rationed care and limited access. Before kicking back on an August vacation, to a $20 million dollar retreat in Martha’s Vineyard, with his own personal attending physician in tow, Obama unveiled life-ending, cost saving possibilities for elderly America
One prospect he called for is the “66.6 Initiative.” This innovative plan includes end-of -life counseling, which will begin for everyone reaching the age of 66 and six-months. Every American one year and six months after retirement will be granted eighteen months to tie up loose ends, say goodbye to loved ones, put affairs in order and come to terms with the two or three options that will insure a fairer and more equitable country for everyone sixty-five and younger.
Obama is traveling the country promoting his “sharing the wealth” ideology with seniors encouraging them that as non-useful eaters, and for the benefit of the common good, immediately following retirement they should consider buying the farm or kicking the bucket to show their commitment to hope and change and promoting events like Granny Goodbyes, where Grandma gets to say goodbye with balloons, cake, fun and frivolity.
Obama is also in the process of unveiling plans to revise the Constitution in hopes of changing the voting age to exclude anyone over the age of forty. He also announced that as an extra incentive to check out, the government, in order to help pay for health care, will be revoking senior citizen social security benefits. This will be called the Illegal Alien Olive Branch Provision Proposal. This pitch will designate social security benefits, once funneled to those who earned them, now be reabsorbed by government to provide health care for illegal’s residing in the US. Obama’s hope is that this will accomplish an even greater end. He is confident that the world community will witness American empathy and understand our desire for world peace. Obama shared in an interview,
“Let me be clear, uh… ah what better way for America to extend to the world our apologies for our relentless warmongering ways? The monies senior citizens have earned will be the first of many olive branches of empathy, in the form of health care, to all those who come to America, albeit illegally, for a better life.”
Obama’s objective is to let seniors know that they will be contributing members of society, even after death, paying for health care for those younger and more able to contribute to the collective. Obama said, “Uh, um…ah seniors need to be reminded that change requires everyone’s skin in the game. The fact that seniors have false teeth, which will no longer be covered, is a clear sign that it’s time their piece of the pie to be given to someone who can chew.”
Obama highlighted that death should not mean that seniors have to stop contributing resources to his historic vision for America. He stated that jewelry, personal property, stocks, bonds and large jars full of loose change is always welcome. He mentioned Michelle Obama will be sponsoring retro-fashion drives where classic fashion pieces from the 30’s, 40’s and 50’s will be collected from the deceased to help raise money for those in need.
Obama proposed options to consider for anyone 66.6 years old. He explained in a poignant, eloquent way that at 66.6 it would be in the national interest for seniors agree to depart life enthusiastically. Choking back a tear Obama shared the story of his own grandmother Madelyn Payne Dunham who died at 86. He shared had she decided, at 66.6, to leave this life she would have spared his family extensive expense. His wish was that she had been less selfish. Obama stressed that Granny Dunham could have provided additional funds to assist his presidential campaign if she would have agreed to forgo natural death. He recounted the things like the inconvenience of flying back and forth to Hawaii, leaving her on ice until he could bury her and the nuisance all this was to his busy schedule. He shared that in his opinion her life lacked value, though her heart was still beating he didn’t consider her a human being and ending it 20 years earlier would have certainly been the better and less selfish “choice” on Granny Dunham’s part.
Obama explained to silent crowds that elder citizens can make final arrangements at senior friendly Elder Expiration Offices. Patriotic seniors will be issued paperwork and can set a date to depart the planet in a dignified, self-sacrificial manner. Senior citizens have always felt that they wanted to be contributing members of society after retirement. Obama stressed that they can bequeath to humanity by acknowledging better days are behind them and bid adieu at a local Elder Exit Office. Obama designed leaflets explaining that each Elder Expiration participant will be enshrouded in an American flag and given the option of a free military funeral at sea or burial, saluting and standing erect in a Citizen Compaction Cemetery of their choice.
This option provides family member’s valuable tools for convincing their elder loved ones that it may be time to pack it in by adding generous tax credit provisions. Obama highlighted the added benefit for families of senior citizens, in the form of a two year tax credit, if the older person decides to take the first option. This choice drops cumulative tax responsibility for families of departed loved ones from 65% to 62%, which in Death Valley, California received a standing ovation.
In the Hippocratic Hemlock Option elders relinquish demands for medical care. Everyone 66.6 years old is given open ended prescriptions for end of life drugs. Prescriptions would be filled free of charge and without question at the time of the persons choosing. Pharmacists will be given pay raises according to the percentage of elderly persons they persuade to fill the prescription within 30 days. Self-sacrificial seniors will be comforted that the well-being of those they leave behind have been positively impacted by forging the option to extend their lives through tax credits and reprieves. Families of those who opt for the HHO choice will receive a small tax credit one year following the filling and fatal imbibing of the government provided prescription.
Sidetracking a bit Obama felt obliged to define “shovel ready” jobs. He encouraged seniors that end-of-life decisions will provide shovel ready jobs for Americans who will be digging graves in the Citizen Compaction Cemeteries. Obama assured seniors that shoveling will be done with decorum honoring those who cheerfully forfeited life for the welfare of the nation. Obama said, “Let me be clear, what better way for seniors to leave this realm than providing shovel ready jobs for the unemployed?”
Obama, wearing a black ribbon on his lapel explained that he did so in solidarity with nationwide educational initiatives presently underway. Obama explained scholarships will be made available for the new Dr. Kevorkian University. Outstanding, patriotic citizens, who plan to attend, will be given many options in government funding that will cover many of the costs of their education. Dr. K. University will have campuses in every state and will be offering degrees in very exciting fields. End-of-life Counseling, Elder Expiration, Hippocratic Hemlock Administration, Shovel-Ready Grave Excavation, Misconstruing Medical Care Technology, Government Social Security Spending and Nursing Home Re-utilization Engineering will all be available. Choosing a career in any of these fields will be met with government support in the form of grants, high interest loans for White students and race and ethnicity directed scholarships.
Unpatriotic seniors, who insist they don’t want to expire just yet, will be given an opportunity to live a little longer with the Obama Life Extension Option. This option extends five years to every senior that signs over their estate, in total, to the government. All seniors concurring transfer of life savings, property, life insurance policies and remaining pension to government control will be given five years before they will be asked to select again from the Elder Exit or the Hippocratic Hemlock options.
Obama pledged to bewildered crowds all across the nation that his intentions and concern for all Americans are pure. Asked by a local reporter in Eerie, Indiana what his plans for twenty-years down the road were when it comes to his own 66.6 year old decision. Smiling a large Cheshire grin and softly chuckling Obama replied, “At 65 I am planning to retire to Mombasa Kenya, land of my birth, where none of the laws I’ve foisted on all of you, apply to me.”
[This is parody]